Week 3: wobbly at the start, stronger at the finish.

The title of this week's post is exactly how I hope I'll be able to describe this journey at the end. Or rather, when I reach where I want to be (there is no 'end', it's going to be a lifestyle).

So this week, I didn't 'start as I mean to go on'. I actually started pretty pitifully. A blip. A 'wobble', if you will. 

Day 1: Wednesday 

Bodyjam day. Yay! 

I am definitely starting to feel better...and have noticed it most at the gym. 

I don't know why, but for the last few years or so, I've developed a weird paranoia about going to (and being in) particular places. The worst 3 being namely:

1. The Royal Priors (don't ask me why);

2. The Supermarket. Particularly ASDA;

3. and last but definitely not least, The Gym.

It doesn't happen when I'm with people. I can go anywhere and do anything with someone by my side. But for someone who works with new people and various people from all walks of life every single day, chairs meetings with professionals and does it with apparent confidence... there is something about these places that makes me feel like the whole world stops and stares at me, and judges me...and I feel so tiny and insecure. My rational brain knows nobody cares what I'm doing or even notices me. My irrational brain starts to overthink everything - like am I walking normally? Are my steps loud? What if I bump into someone I know? What will I talk about? What if I see someone who hasn't seen me in ages? Oh no, they're going to definitely notice the weight gain. How busy is it going to be? What's parking going to be like? What the hell am I wearing? My makeup's orange, do I look orange? Am I going to have enough time to do this? (this one's for the supermarket/shopping). 

I could have 3 hours free and still convince myself it's not enough time to do an hour at the shop and that I'll have to do it another day. 

For 1 & 2, I've found ways to avoid being in that situation. I order things to The Shires & do click and collect for the food shop. Nothing beats irrational shopping paranoia like drive-thru groceries.

Funnily enough, I actually accidentally ordered some trousers to New Look last week for collection - opened the email to realise I'd selected THE ROYAL PRIORS. F.M.L. They're still there now. I called them at the weekend (deadline for collection) to ask if they could hold them a few extra days. Last day to collect is tomorrow. I think a week and a half is plenty of opportunity to muster up some courage. It's a shopping centre, ffs...not a warzone.

The really sad thing is that I haven't always been like this. I used to be genuinely confident and be able to go anywhere, and do anything. I don't even know where this insecure, irrational side came from and why. 

But the good news is...I've been to Bodyjam every week since I started this. Sometimes twice in a week. This week I've grown in confidence. I'm getting straight out of the car and walking straight in. Through the lobby, up the stairs, into the studio. I'm looking in the mirror and rather than overthinking how much fatter I feel compared to everyone else in the class and whether or not my leggings give me camel's toe... I am looking at my very own 'work in progress' and feeling proud that I'm there. At the gym. Again. (Plus, my thighs and belly are plenty big enough to hide any potential camel's toe).

This week I went one step further and talked to a couple of people waiting for the instructor to start. On Sunday, I stuck around at the end and spoke to people. And I walked back out to the car smiling, and feeling like I belonged.

I'm also getting SO, SO much better at it already. My stamina is improving, I'm remembering a lot of the steps and although my body looks no different (yet), it's definitely feeling different.

Days 2, 3 & 4: Thursday, Friday & Saturday

I did a little workout on Thursday so got my activity in, but didn't achieve my steps. I thought about it, briefly. I thought about how it would only take me 30 minutes to smash out another workout and achieve my goal... but then the temptation to sit my fat ass down and give up took over, and won. 

Friday was a write off. I got my hair done straight after work and then had an indian takeaway and movie night with Matt.

Saturday was slightly better, but still didn't reach 10k. Another great workout with Stu at 9am (Insta: @diamondperformancept). Saturday night I spent mostly walking about like John Wayne and taking an hour to sit onto the toilet. My legs had definitely had enough and I threw in the towel shortly after 7000 steps.

Days 5, 6 & 7: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday

Sunday: went to Bodyjam again!

Monday: went to PT session with Stu again. (I can't do a press up to save my life. Even on my knees. Even with instruction). Loved that they were playing Skunk Anansie at Evolution. 'Hedonism', though. It should have been, 'Weak'. It would have been far more fitting for when I was attempting push-ups. 

..."Weak as I ammmmmm..." 

This week's weather has been absolutely amazing... but it's turned me into a bit of a vampire. I know I won't actually die if I do a workout in the daylight, but that's how it feels in this heat. Every night I've been waiting until the sun goes down and then doing back to back step workouts on Youtube to reach my step goals. 

'Get Fit with Rick' videos are the best thing I've found. I have been doing them most nights since I started, alongside my other workouts.

My favourites are the Disco Funk (3000 steps), 90's Guilty Pleasures (2300 steps) and 80's Hits (3000 steps).

On Monday I did it in my pants...you know, because of the UK's dramatic finish to an already screwed up two years... the 'drought'. Cue the apocalypse and/or return of the dinosaurs 2022.

So there's me, dancing to Rick's Disco Funk workout in the living room. Legs a-chaffing, thighs a-slapping and he says (through the TV), "you know I can absolutely see you...put some trousers on, who dances in their pants?!"

"I do, Rick. I do".

The plus side to these late-night workouts is that by the time I get into bed, I sleep like a log. In the morning, I'm waking up ready to face the day and looking forward to doing it all over again.

I don't know if it's the sunshine, the exercise or the new hair do...or a combination of it all... but I am starting to feel so much more like 'me'. Not the 'paranoid, can't go into the gym or supermarket' me... but the 'genuinely comfortable in my skin, trying my best and living each day like I should' me.

Mentally and physically: definitely still wobbly, but definitely getting stronger.